OK. So I'm Kim,
a 15-year-old gay virgin obsessed with my best friend Sugar,
the bling bike of Brighton.
It isn't easy watching the girl you're in love with throw herself on anything with a dick.
It makes you consider stuff that you wouldn't normally, like date rape and things.
Of course I didn't go actually through with it.
I accidentally almost killed my brother, which wasn't so bad.
which at least got my fucked-up parents talking.
And it got me a whole night,
albeit a frustratingly platonic one,
in the same bed as the woman of my dreams.
Aren't you coming in? It's lovely.
Stella?
- Maybe we could go to the cinema later? - Mmm... Busy.
There comes a point in life when you have to stop deluding yourself.
When you realise that the lies are getting you nowhere,
tangling you further in your fucked-up knotted web of deceit.
It was time to make a break.
It was time to come clean.
The way I saw it, I had a simple choice.
I could tell her...
I love you.
Or I could tell her that...
It's over between us.
We can no longer be friends.
One way or another, I'd move things on between us.
It coudn't go on like this.
It was unhealthy, dangerous.
I was becoming sexually obsessed.
Well?
Are you gonna stand there gawping or you are you coming in?
Crabs.
Vicious little shits.
They're itching enough to drive me mental.
Have I missed a bit on my back?
- Sod Darren. - You got them off Darren?
I don't know, do I?
They don't come with name tags.
Bet the bastard will chuck us when he finds out.
I think it was the Donkey.
Darren's best friend?
Yeah. Always scratching his bits.
Mind you, Ray isn't exactly an angel, is he?
Ray?
Sorry?
Ray, the doorman. Lost Vegas.
Free entry and half-price drinks, he said.
Didn't mention anything about the plague of muff nits being thrown into the deal.
The situation was hardly romantic.
So?
What did you come round for?
Somehow my declarations of love weren't forthcoming.
Nothing.
And I was booked for a Brazilian, Saturday.
At least that way they'd have less to hang on to.
It's flammable, you tit.
There was something about the whole situation that made me uneasy.
I mean, I'd always known what Sugar was like with men.
Hi, boys.
And sex.
All that stuff I said before about losing it.
I've always been too pissed to remember.
But crabs? Bush fleas?
She didn't even know who she'd caught them off.
Sod Darren. The Donkey. Ray.
Was that the type of person I wanted to be with?
Infestation can be spread by a person sharing the same bed linen,towels,clothes.
A person sharing the same... bed linen?
Oh, God.
Just when you thought life couldn't get any worse,
you're a virgin with a sexually-transmitted disease.
Thanks a lot, Sugar, you fucking...
Supper's ready.
Seafood paella.
Just leave what you can't eat.
Stella? You'd better eat before you go.
If Elaine's that upset, I doubt she'll be cooking.
Elaine?
A friend your mum met at the gym.
Her mum's just died.
Stella's helping her sort through her things.
What are you wearing? Are those my jeans?
Er.. Thought I'd make an effort.
Cheer her up a bit.
Er.. Give my condolences to Emma.
Will do.
Sorry. Elaine.
Hello?
Suspicious isn't a term you could use to describe Nathan.
But even his curiosity would have been raised
by the sight of his 15-year-old daughter
voluntarly doing the washing.
Kim?
Er... What are you doing?
I'm boil-washing my belongings
to kill the muff nits contracted from a platonic night
of frustration with a girl of my lesbian dreams.
Right...
Why?
Er... You're... helping.
Well, yeah. Someone's gotta do it.
It's not like Stella ever lifts a finger around here.
Your mum's out helping a friend.
A friend?
I've had about enough of this.
I know you two don't see everything eye to eye at the moment,
but I really think... Kim?
Kim!
You could at least be more supportive of your mother.
When she's helping someone.
In their hour of need.
Coming!
They're Kim's.
Stella.
We are not alone.
Oh, God... You're crawling.
She...
How many other housewives get your VIP services?
You're blaming this on me?
Who else?
Your husband.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
And before you say it, you're the first other man I have had for quite some time.
God, look at you.
What do you mean, look at me?
Should have known.
All right, fine. Fine. Show me one.
I'm sorry?
Crab. See any?
So?
No lice.
Doesn't mean anything. They're like nits.
They like hair that's clean.
Ha! What's that?
Hang on. Where are you going?
The chemist.
Who pays for the suite?
Oh, shit.
Stella washing her own clothes?
Are those my jeans?
Oh, my God...
Stella? Um... What are you doing?
What does it look like?
But you never...
Cottons on D.
Yes, I know how it works. Thank you.
Work, you bloody thing!
How was Elaine?
This wasn't really the kind of situation you could prepare yourself for.
Giving your mother an STD?
With 120 million red crabs migrating overland,
it's hard to avoid them.
The island's coastal rainforests
also play host to the crabs.
Here, they face fewer dangers.
The migration which lasts several days happens at the same time every year.
It hits Christmas Island,so-called because it was discovered on Christmas Day,
just as the festive season gets underway.
Can you smell something?
Hair remover.
The invasion causes havoc for the human population of the Australian territory.
Even schools have to get used to the unwanted visitors.
While it can be a nuisance,
it's also an impressive sight and considered by many
to be one of the great wonders of nature.
Kim?
Can we talk?
Oh, God.
I couldn't help noticing.
Downstairs and then the washing.
Stay calm, stay calm.
Don't give anything away.
Oh, my poor baby.
What have I done?
What have you done?
Sleazy...
We all do silly things.
And um... these things lead into situations
and these situations have consequences,
consequences we didn't foresee at the time,
and these consequences can affect others
in a way that we had no idea.
I mean, I never dreamt...
Kim? I...
This was turning into a very interesting situation.
Dale...
I wasn't thinking.
I borrowed some of your clothes and I may have...
have given you crabs.
This was too good to be true.
But they're not dangerous.
They're unpleasant but treatable.
- It's very simple. - I already have.
Right.
Kim, love.
You won't tell your dad?
You're to stop borrowing my things.
They look fat on you anyway.
And you're to stop seeing him.
Dale?
It's over. Finished. Simple as that.
I'd rather not.
Cross infection.
I can't seem to stop itching.
That's the thing about infections.
Just when you think you've got them under controm, they spread like bushfire again.
Dad?
Night.
Good night.
- You can't deny it. - What are you on about?
- Don't sit there like it's nothing. - It is nothing.
You have given me an STD which means you have slept with someone else.
- Keep your voice down. - Did you sleep with someone?
Stella, have you?
- Be rational. - Rational?
How rational do you want me to be?
For Christ's sake!
Tell me how this happened!
You're jumping the gun.
The evidence is all over me.
- They're crabs, Stella. - You don't know that.
Pubic lice, passed on through sexual contact.
Could be scabies.
You might have picked it up at the office.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Keep your voice down.
The kids.
Stella, you... you are the only person
hat I have slept with in 18 years.
Now, can you please just tell me what's going on here?
Nathan, I...
I've been seeing...
sleeping with someone else.
Dale.
What? The de... The decorator?
Oh, God.
No, please...
Please, no. Not him.
Not the decorator. No.
I promised myself I wouldn't see Sugar.
At least not until I'd plucked up the courage
to tell her how I really felt about things.
It was just that right now she was the only person I wanted to see.
Sugar?
Kim? Sshh...
It's OK. Sshh...
It's OK.
Tango, Pro Plus and vodka.
That'll fix you up a bit.
Think she'll leave?
What is with those flowers?
Ray. Donkey.
I gave them the fifth degree and made them feel well guilty.
Passing their filth on to an underage girl.
I mean, I'm vulnerable, aren't I?
I threatened to tell the police.
Teddy bear's from Daz.
Probably won it on the pier, the cheap git.
If he don't do better next time, he's finished.
Sugar was still totally shameless.
It never occurred to her that this was her fault,
that her crabs had put my family in crisis.
Fucking hell. A virgin with an STD.
It's always the same with you, innit, Kim?
All the pain without the pleasure.
- Did you do yourself? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Well, not very well, by the looks of things.
Right. Togs off.
Come on. I'll do the difficult bits.
I'm not having you giving it back to me.
She was living proof that no matter how bad things are,
you could turn any situation to your advantage.
Are my hands too cold?
No. No, they're fine.
Can you just go further down my back?
There?
Just a bit more.
There?
Synchronization and corrections Lucile76
Tracklist: "In The Summertime", Mungo Jerry "Bushes ", Markus Nikolai
"Ageing Young Rebel", DJ Food feat. Ken Nordine "Return Of Djang", Asian Dub Foundation "Look-Ka Py Py", Meters
"Rock Lobster", B52’s "Fever", The Cramps
"Paul’s dance", Penguin Café Orchestra "Misread", King’s Of Convenience